10 April 2009,9.22am
This one thing I really didn’t like about myself. I rather follow my emotion than my logical thinking. This is I am. Nobody knows me well. Yes, I quite sensitive person. Actually you didn’t know me at all.
What if I didn’t answer your call or message? What happened? You know I can’t converse logically when I’m not ok. That’s why I refuse to answer any call or message because afraid will hurt people feeling. I will act and speak without think about others feeling and just follow my emotion. I know I have terrible problem. I can’t manage my own feeling and emotion and always make emotion control me. Its take time to change. This happened since I kid because I used to it already. That why i through bullied since schooling and always be the loser. I always am the weaker one. I can’t defend myself and always crying. I really weak inside and didn’t have strength to fight it back. People usually will step on me. Everybody knows that since I primary school. I have terrible and horrified time in school and college. I didn’t to turn it back. I like myself now. I have enough strength to fight if people ever try to hurt me. It’s kind of defending me to feel what I have felt before. I really not a good in writing or express my own feeling. What you see me know is not me at all. I pretending to be me because I want people know me as tough person and not the same Arni before. I hate when people critic me. I only can accept if in good manner. Why I can be like this? I make myself tough and always ready to fight if they ever touch me down. I know I’m change a lot. Actually you should know me from schooling. Then you will know that I very passive person. I also don’t have much friend because always afraid what people think about me.
What you me know? Easy going, always try to make fun and comfortable with her, talkative (I used be passive before), always smiling although through the hard time in her life (I almost smiling before). But I I’m sure you admit this thing. I always follow my emotion rather than think logically. Like you said I didn’t read between my feeling and my mind. Is it? I try to make changes. It seems hard for me to explain that I have tough time to deal with my emotion. I always afraid was being leaved. It’s like a big stone in my heart that I can’t let it go. It’s still inside and I don’t know how to throw it out. Can you teach me how? I read a lot coz I believe reading is one way to make you calm and keep in track. My reading material may not same as you’re. we didn’t have that same interest. I believe both love to read but we read different types of book.
I really didn’t like to express my own feeling because normally will hurt other. I rather hurt my own feeling than other although they not my friend. I already get use to it.
You send to me a message said “u memang sengaja nk sakitkan ati I kn?”. After what I have explain above I didn’t have to make another explanation rite? Have word says,”Let yesterday be history, and be good enough for today coz we didn’t know that either tomorrow is come or not. So, I really sorry for what I did and I want to “muhasabah” myself. Looking what I’ve done and think what I gonna do to make myself better than yesterday. I think its from myself rite? I’m dying to change but I afraid that I’m not tough enough to handle it myself. i afraid that I cant stand the challenge alone. I big girl now I want to change. Like I have said before that I want to be the better Arni. Maybe you don’t really understand me. There have something inside me that I want to be but I not strong enough to let it go. I didn’t believe in myself either. This whole story is about me. Not because I want to ask for sympathy or rethink who am i. i may not good as a person to you but I still a good friend to fellow of my friend. i love to help and make people happy rather to make me happy myself. Sometimes I didn’t know how to pamper myself. I happy have friends beside me. Since you know me you already know that I too not closed with my own parent. Not because I have problem with them, I really did loves them. But since kid I didn’t get closed with my parent. I didn’t know to share my problem with them. I prefer to share it my own sister or my trusted friend. I get used to it because they are working and send me to hostel at my age 13. Most of my time more in hostel since forms 1 until I got my degree. Then I am working also far from them until now. I didn’t know why I wrote this. I still call my parent. Didn’t forget them whenever I gone. Okay time off and go back to have a rest.